I Wanted to Know You Loved Me

I thought I’d know
By the way we talked
I thought I’d know
By the way we spent our time
I thought I’d know

By your consideration
By the joys we shared
By how we coped
By how we grieved
By how we cared

Your passions weren’t mine
And mine were garbage.

Not knowing myself
Makes love hard

I thought it was okay
To hear the things you
Said to me.
To allow the things you
Did to me.

Shame is a confusing emotion
Did I break your heart?
Am I responsible for this loss?
Is self-defense wrong?
Should I have stayed?

I’m sorry I hurt you
I’m sorry I didn’t know me
I’m sorry I figured it out
And ruined us.

What can be done
About past hurts?

I know me better now
I’m still learning
My navigation falters
And I repeat patterns
But I’m becoming familiar to me

My thoughts are mine
My actions are mine
My dreams are mine
I deserve them

What I love makes me who I am
And I love me.

I need to be a rock

I’m really not up for this. To love. I don’t want it. I don’t want to love. I’ll take my pets. My child. My hobbies. Don’t think I don’t love you. I just don’t want to. I want to run away. I want to be gone from this painful place with no light. No kindness. No friends. I need to leave. Be in the woods. Be alone. Where the light is just light. The trees are just trees. The magic is just magic. Nothing more, nothing less. Why can’t you see that your patience and kindness, your heart and soft hands ruin me? I need to be a rock. Just there. One among many. Don’t ask. Just leave. It’s better that way for all of us. Please.

Big Ideas

Big ideas cancelled by
Little distractions
Disproportionate focus
Taking up all my time
To want to

I WILL WHEN

These little distractions, these
Sandstorms, deposit layers of sediment
To obscure the path and the plan
To need to

I ACCOMPLISH NOTHING

Dunes soon form
Becoming barricades, a gigantic something
I cannot see beyond

AND CEASE TO BE

Hopeless, asking how? Why?
What’s the point?

Photo by Paul Scott from FreeImages

In the Seeking

I already know I must search out, cobble together, what I need. It’s not right here, so I have to find it.

Does it become more valuable because I have to dig it from the ground? Wrench it from the Earth’s clutches?

In the seeking, I learn what’s truly desired. Or is it now an obsession? Or just a waste of time? Or is it just lost to me? Am I run by convenience and the unnecessary?

Easily distracted by everything; overshadowed by the Shiny. Here I am, allowing coercion, manipulation, influence.

Why?

Because I’m desperate, lonely, and willing.

Those Waiting To Break

Each mistake is a promise. A strike. Keeping them at bay. No way to allow yourself anything because you’ve created a shaft, a chute, a well, in which you can fall.

No action underpinned with vows. No truth. Scaffolding and a beautiful facade. With so many pounding on the entrance; the hollow center shakes. Echoes. The emptiness reverberates and dust motes sing.

You are not home. You never will be. Could such a place exist? Would you go if it did? Or recognize it?

You’ve set it up so the fault will be yours when the time comes. When the metal bends and wood splinters beneath the weight of lies and good intentions; your need will not see the shifting of trusses or hear the peal of resistance. When the curtains catch fire, you’ll mistake it for a sunset. Watch as the walls are consumed. Stand on the edge of your clever construction; missing your opportunity to drop.