I’m really not up for this. To love. I don’t want it. I don’t want to love. I’ll take my pets. My child. My hobbies. Don’t think I don’t love you. I just don’t want to. I want to run away. I want to be gone from this painful place with no light. No kindness. No friends. I need to leave. Be in the woods. Be alone. Where the light is just light. The trees are just trees. The magic is just magic. Nothing more, nothing less. Why can’t you see that your patience and kindness, your heart and soft hands ruin me? I need to be a rock. Just there. One among many. Don’t ask. Just leave. It’s better that way for all of us. Please.
Big ideas cancelled by
Taking up all my time
To want to
I WILL WHEN
These little distractions, these
Sandstorms, deposit layers of sediment
To obscure the path and the plan
To need to
I ACCOMPLISH NOTHING
Dunes soon form
Becoming barricades, a gigantic something
I cannot see beyond
AND CEASE TO BE
Hopeless, asking how? Why?
What’s the point?
Photo by Paul Scott from FreeImages
I already know I must search out, cobble together, what I need. It’s not right here, so I have to find it.
Does it become more valuable because I have to dig it from the ground? Wrench it from the Earth’s clutches?
In the seeking, I learn what’s truly desired. Or is it now an obsession? Or just a waste of time? Or is it just lost to me? Am I run by convenience and the unnecessary?
Easily distracted by everything; overshadowed by the Shiny. Here I am, allowing coercion, manipulation, influence.
Because I’m desperate, lonely, and willing.
Each mistake is a promise. A strike. Keeping them at bay. No way to allow yourself anything because you’ve created a shaft, a chute, a well, in which you can fall.
No action underpinned with vows. No truth. Scaffolding and a beautiful facade. With so many pounding on the entrance; the hollow center shakes. Echoes. The emptiness reverberates and dust motes sing.
You are not home. You never will be. Could such a place exist? Would you go if it did? Or recognize it?
You’ve set it up so the fault will be yours when the time comes. When the metal bends and wood splinters beneath the weight of lies and good intentions; your need will not see the shifting of trusses or hear the peal of resistance. When the curtains catch fire, you’ll mistake it for a sunset. Watch as the walls are consumed. Stand on the edge of your clever construction; missing your opportunity to drop.
It’s safest for me to walk in the center of the road, far from either side as I can be. Keeping from what’s real.
Looming in, creating shadows.
Silence, all at once golden and terrifying, grates at my ears.
Its full weight pressing me to that white dashed line. Unbearable, like the heavy hands of god showing me how I’ve failed. Then the gift of lifting off, releasing. Allowing me to rise, my back to straighten, my head to turn, and my heart to beat.
I need to leave this line. Pick a side.
And yet, you choose to defend
With blind eyes and closed ears
Ignoring your Truth.
Hope seeps through your fractured heart.
Slowed evermore by Should, like
Sand, those tiny glistening bits of quartz,
clogging all sense
Drawing a line between protecting and sacrificing,
Your search is endless and meaningless.
Blanketed by Ought, and held out of reach
By your own hand.
Extending forever outward in all directions
Never to realize
Nor to accept
Each dream, each desire stems from within.
| CLOSE | SAND | DEFEND | STEM | LINE |
-Weekly Writing Challenge #163 Poetry from the secret keeper
I’m very excited to share my article published this morning with A Fine Parent, parenting blog, focusing on becoming better versions of ourselves as parents. I’ve loved working with them and being a part of their mission.
I spend a lot of time in parking lots
but really most likely
I spend a lot of time
in empty lots
early in the morning
save for the sad few that
park and sit and wait
wait for clarity
wait for decision
wait for answers
vast empty spaces
have no answers
bulldozed and covered in an layer of asphalt
they only offer a place to sit
a place to wait
a place for nothing
a place to observe the emptiness
even when they’re full
sitting with the sad few
we park on opposite ends
avoid eye contact
avoid each other
avoid acknowledging that we’ve gathered
to be sad
lightning splintering jagged
edge to edge
Not quite shards,
New space created
One to many
With hope and
Not quite shards,
Rumbling trucks pass by
Rattle the smallest piece
A glinting shower
All shards now
And an empty
It seems our agreement shifted. And if I wanted to I would. If I believed anything other than the past would repeat itself, I’d behave differently. If I had it in me, I’d be right back on board. But,
I don’t have it in me. I don’t believe anything other than the past will repeat itself. In my deepest depths, recesses of my heart and mind, all my hidden coves, I know that nothing will change. I know that I will go through this over and over until I’m completely destroyed. Angry. Hateful. Resentful. Incapable.
And that’s not who I want to be. Not who I am. Not a person I’m willing to become.
I believe in goodness, in love. I believe in awareness, in knowing when you’re done, in trusting to know when we’ve reached an impasse.
It’s not that your aren’t worth it. You are my greatest love. You are everything I hoped and ever wanted. You are a kaleidoscope.
But I have scar tissue built up around my ability to go back. It’s marbled, knobby, held fast. I can see no, feel no, believe no other way.
The distance stretched too far this time. My heart is hardened. My hope proved insufficient. Asking for work, effort, belief, is out of the question. I’m tired. And I can’t.