Issues of the Body

*warning*  Hormonal Bitch Fest *warning*

I hate ovulating.  All I want to do is have sex with any man walking by.  I can’t stand it.  I question all my thoughts, ideals, motivations, current life; all because of some damn hormones that want me to answer the call.

Last night, my keys ended up locked in my car.  When I finally admitted that I wouldn’t be able to get in my car by myself, I called my insurance.  They promptly sent out an independent contractor that opened my car in about 1 minute and all I could think about was taking this complete stranger home.  I wanted that guy so completely, I noticed every detail of his body.  His hands.  His neck.  His scruffy face.  His lean muscles.  His voice.  His face and where it could be buried in the nape of my neck as he pounded into me.  Oh. . . I surmised complete satisfaction in no time.

I don’t know what I was thinking.  I was so pissed off at my ovaries.  I was in a bad mood all night and angry with myself.  This sort of thing has been happening for several months.  I recognized what is going on.  I understand why I want to get fucked.  I know all about the wonders of one night stands.

Thing is, I’m in no position to act on these irresponsible impulses.  My life is full and complicated.  I just need to get through the next several days and lose that business card.  Damn.

My Family Is …

Passive aggressive bullies.

Now,  Be Nice.

Okay … Full of shit.

Nope.  Try again.

My family is full of people trying to make it.  Trying to make their life full.  Trying to navigate what they need, what they want, what changes their minds, what keeps them going, what pushes against them, what others need, what others want, what pressures them.

One wants you to visit.

They miss you.  They love you.  You aren’t trying hard enough.  Where did you get that idea?  No.  I can’t believe you thought I’d want that.  I want.  I want.  I want.  You just need to show up.  Be present.  Do whatever.  But also run it all.  You disappoint me.  You should have.  You needed to.  You can’t keep me from doing this.  It means so much to me.  Since when?  Since always. You never said.  I shouldn’t have to.  You are letting me be.  You don’t expect me to do it.  I already paid for something else.  I want to do this.  Well, I just thought you’d want to see your family.  I thought you cared.

One doesn’t want to visit.

You don’t love us.

Yes, I do.  My family is full of needs.  My family is full of hurt.  My family is full of love.  My family is full of sadness.  My family is full of shame.  My family is full of desires for laughter.  My family is full of missing out.  My family is full of ideas.  My family is full of procrastination.  My family is full of disappointments.  My family is full of borrowed feelings.  My family if full of unclaimed feelings. 

Ownership.

Not Mine

Are you sleeping well?

I kept you up.

You don’t need

Me

Our life

What we made

Well, I was wrong

I left it all

Made what I have

And now

You’re there

I’ve no luxuries

No drugs

To drown

No smokes

To calm

No booze

To numb

Just busy

Busy

Busy

Busy

Busy

Busy

Busy

Busy

Busy

Busy

Busy

Busy

Busy

Busy

Busy

Busy

Busy

Busy

Busy

It’s funny

Because I make

Things

Up.

And I try to fit

Whose idea?

Not

Mine.