In the Seeking

I already know I can’t search out, cobble together, what I need. It’s not right here, so I have to find it.

Does it become more valuable because I have to dig it from the ground? Wrench it from the Earth’s clutches?

In the seeking, I learn what’s truly desired. Or is it now an obsession? Or just a waste of time? Or is it just lost to me? Am I run by convenience and the unnecessary?

Easily distracted by everything; overshadowed by the Shiny. Here I am, allowing coercion, manipulation, influence.

Why?

Because I’m desperate, lonely, and willing.

Desperate

Out of Control

He won’t listen, he won’t clean, he won’t speak, he won’t do anything.

He’s indignant.

He thinks he should be able to do everything for nothing.

He blames.  Points his finger.

Works to teach a lesson,

He can’t know or even understand.

He’s little.

He’s a kid.

He’s terrible.

He breaks my heart, my belongings, my hopes, my plans.

Nothing I do works.

Therapy.  We’re on year five.

Anger Management, books, therapists, O.T.s, PhDs, psychologists.

Schedules, plans, charts, tests, pets.

Unconditional love.

Change is nowhere.

My heart is broken.  I have no hope.