Willow

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

It seems our agreement shifted. And if I wanted to I would. If I believed anything other than the past would repeat itself, I’d behave differently. If I had it in me, I’d be right back on board. But,

I don’t have it in me. I don’t believe anything other than the past will repeat itself. In my deepest depths, recesses of my heart and mind, all my hidden coves, I know that nothing will change. I know that I will go through this over and over until I’m completely destroyed. Angry. Hateful. Resentful. Incapable.

And that’s not who I want to be. Not who I am. Not a person I’m willing to become.

I believe in goodness, in love. I believe in awareness, in knowing when you’re done, in trusting to know when we’ve reached an impasse.

It’s not that your aren’t worth it. You are my greatest love. You are everything I hoped and ever wanted. You are a kaleidoscope.

But I have scar tissue built up around my ability to go back. It’s marbled, knobby, held fast. I can see no, feel no, believe no other way.

The distance stretched too far this time. My heart is hardened. My hope proved insufficient. Asking for work, effort, belief, is out of the question. I’m tired. And I can’t.

I won’t.

A Story Where

A story where I write about you, but you’re covered in changes.
With enough rearranges,
That someone could believe,
At least, a bit more than me.

A story where I write about you, but as tiny rabbit.
Hit by a car, truck, or train.
And all I can see is the skewed
View from the street.
Heatwaves and blood.
Snapped neck,
Gristle and bone,
Dark halo.

Heart
Slowly
Slowly
Slowing.

A story where I write about you, but you’re not such a dick.
You climb from the contraption,
Just to see what happened.
Spot the small bunny with eyeballs loose,
Runny.

A story where I write about you, but you’re hidden in
Flickers of allegory.
Splashes of enlightenment.

You with your hands on your hips.
And a sick smile on your lips,
Lift my broken body
With the tip of your shoe.

A story where I write about you, but the fantasy is waning.
And the truth is regaining.
So, when I go flying, I’m not that surprised.

I twist in the air.
Search for the semi, fox, or plane,
That will finish me off,
Instead of your face.

A story where I write about you, but this time I get it.
I can write all I want,
Reconstruct.
Make excuses.
But truth will out
And
It’s time for me to accept
That you’re just a fucker.
And
I have no regret.